(This post might be lengthy...don't know how long because I clearly haven't written it yet...ha. I've been challenged with telling a story about how God has shown great grace and provision in my life lately. At church this morning, our pastor told us that if God has shown you grace, you aren't to keep it to yourself, you're to shout it to the world. Yes, blog and world are not synonymous but it is a way to clearly state what a journey God's had me on for the past 4 months. So read on, if you wish...let me tell you about what He's done for me. This is something I've only shared with family and few friends but I believe God wants each and every one of His stories to be known.)
It all started with a yellow highlighter.
One day in early March, I was at a faculty meeting that went on and on and on and this weary teacher's eyes were tired. As I was rubbing my right eye, I noticed that my yellow highlighter changed colors...to opaque white. Sure enough, yellow sticky notes changed to white...then greens turned blue...then purples turned grey...and all colors lost saturation. This all happened with my right eye closed. I had lost color vision in my left eye. Cue immediate freak out. Freak out because my brother has had eye issues including a cornea transplant. Freak out because your eye is connected to your brain. Freak out because...heck, I kinda like seeing things in color. (Note: With both eyes open, I retained all color as my right eye is dominant.)
Fast forward past my immediate optometrist appointment..."I need to refer you for further testing because I can't find anything wrong with your eye. Go see this neuro-opthalmologist ASAP." Cue second freak out: neuro=brain.
Enter neuro-opthalmologist office at the highly regarded University of Houston Eye Institute and MS Eye Care. After 6+ hours of testing (and by testing, I mean eye prodding, dilating, electrode pulsing, wires through eyes, bright lights, painful drops, etc) my doctors let me know they want me to proceed immediately to an MRI of my brain and optic nerve because all of my eye tests are COMPLETELY NORMAL.
A few days later and after a $2500 deductible, I'm just as radiated and x-rayed as they can get.
A few days after that, doctor informs me that my MRI was NOT normal. "You've got lesions and white spots in your brain as well as a few black holes. It's all very small but this is indicative of multiple sclerosis OR can be caused by your migraines. We are thinking it's your migraines but need further testing. Don't leave here today thinking you have MS." (Doctor then proceeds to slip a disc into my hand entitled "NEXT STEPS: What to do when you've been newly diagnosed with MS." Um...YOU JUST SAID DON'T LEAVE HERE THINKING YOU HAVE MS. Are you a doctor or a con-artist?) "Also, don't do any research online. But if you do, only visit this website: NMSS. We'll be in contact after scheduling more tests for you."
Pause...get on your knees. Ask for help. Multiple sclerosis?! I'm 26 years old. (Most are diagnosed in their late 20s-early 30s.) How do I deal with this? (Visit ONLY NMSS to research.) What will happen for the rest of my life? (Only 1/3 of patients end up in wheelchairs.) How did I get it? (There is no known cause and no cure.)
Without diving into too much detail about the other happenings of life at that time, mainly how down-hill things were going at school, through much prayer, I was brought to a great place of thanksgiving to God for putting this distraction in my life exactly when He did. The possibility of having multiple sclerosis BLESSED (yes, I said blessed) my life by opening my eyes to what was truly important to me and what God wanted me to focus on. Remember this post? It was written in the midst of all of my praying and considering what my life might be like. God brought me to one conclusion: If this was the path that He had for my life, then may I carry my cross with dignity and may I suffer well.
Wait, don't think I'm done visiting doctors. I was sent to a color vision specialist (who diagnosed a yellow-blue color blindness), a post doctoral fellow (who tested my rods and cones), and MANY doctors who stuck wired electrodes through my eyes to test how responsive my retina was. Other than the color vision test, everything came back normal. NORMAL ISN'T GOOD IN THIS SITUATION. The fact that my eye was normal upped the chances that there was an issue with my optic nerve leading towards an MS diagnosis.
"We need you to see a neurologist when you get to Austin. They will be the ones that read your MRI again and can provide a diagnosis."
I had a bit of a breakdown. I didn't WANT MS. I didn't want to carry this cross. I wanted to have a normal life. I didn't want to be on meds forever. God came through for me again. He gave me strength through others in my life who prayed for me, encouraged me and even talked to me about what having MS would be like.
Last Monday, June 27th (my half-birthday, none-the-less) I went to the neurologist in Austin with my mom and Dan. It was the day I would know how the rest of my life would be. The night before, I had sent an e-mail to my family of prayer warriors and asked them to specifically pray that the doctor would NOT find evidence of MS in my MRI and would not be able to diagnose me with it. I was specific...God wants to know the inner-most desires of your heart. After gladly spending an hour with us, explaining my scans, listening to my symptoms and doing a few tests of his own, my neurologist said it. "I would bet you $100 that you don't have MS." Cue TEARS OF JOY. "There are a few areas of your scan that are a bit questionable but there is nothing to support a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis at this time. Your diagnosis is optic neuritis. Without pronounced lesions, you have an 18-22% chance of developing MS in your life."
The night before, I was specific in my prayers and God chose to answer them the way I asked and the way He had it planned all along. God used the past 4 months of my life to break me down and build me back up. You better believe that He increased my obedience to Him and showed me that my life IS NOT MINE. I am so thankful for the way God provided strength both for me and my family at this time. I am so thankful He chose to answer my specific prayer with a YES. I am so thankful for my friends and family that supported me through this. God showed me an undeserved grace and provision and continues to do a good work in my life.
(Where do I go from here? I have to get another MRI in October to closely monitor those questionable spots in my brain and then each year thereafter for the next five or so years. My neurologist assured me that if it does develop into MS, that I should have no worries. MS is a highly researched disease and there are new treatments every year. The color loss in my left eye is likely permanent and there is no way to reverse it. There is no treatment for optic neuritis as well. There is nothing that I can do medically to prevent the MS from developing...but there is something I can do...pray...and I will.)
